Commitment

Via Focus on the family


"If you really love someone, you shouldn't have to work at it."

That's what High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens told CosmoGIRL! for its August 2008 issue. This young celebrity was speaking out loud what millions of people privately think: Loving feelings should come naturally in a relationship, so if you have to work at it, something's wrong. But the truth is exactly the opposite: If you truly love someone, you will work hard for the relationship.
Rock or Sand

Jesus spoke of a house that was built on sand and shaken by storms, while another house was built on rock and remained unmoved. One of my greatest surprises as a relationship analyst is just how many of us build our marriages on the sand of feelings instead of the rock of commitment. But I've been encouraged to see that truly committed couples are able, with God's help, to thrive even through the inevitable storms.

Over a five-year period, a close friend sent me e-mails sharing about her struggles with her marriage. She went from daily messages that read, "I can't take this anymore!" to e-mails saying, "He is such a gift to me." What accounted for the change? Her determination.

As she now says, "A successful marriage has little to do with circumstances and a lot to do with determination — taking the word divorce out of your vocabulary and replacing it with commitment."
What is Commitment?

Commitment is a decision to have the abundant marriage God desires, regardless of circumstances or whether you think your spouse is doing his or her part. This includes:

* Realizing that marriage is an unbreakable covenant before God. At weddings, Atlanta minister Barry Grecu explains that ancient Hebrew culture understood a covenant not as a contract, which could be broken, but as a binding, permanent agreement — just like the covenant God makes with us.
* Choosing to "do it until you feel it." We often let our feelings guide our actions, but we are actually built for the opposite. Our Creator has designed us so that when we love another person with our actions, our feelings inevitably follow.
* Focusing on the good in our spouse and the sin in ourselves — instead of the other way around. If you're dissatisfied with your marriage, try this challenge: For the next 30 days, don't say anything negative about your spouse — neither to him or her nor to someone else. Every day, find something you appreciate about your spouse, and verbalize it. This marital application of Philippians 4:8 (which instructs us to focus on whatever is praiseworthy) has the power to transform a marriage. When we examine and work to change ourselves, we often bring out the best in our spouse as well.
* Engaging in Christian community, prayer and discipleship — especially when you don't want to. These three aspects of the Christian life help sustain every believer, but they are particularly essential for those going through a difficult season.
* Relying on God to help you act selflessly toward your spouse. As Grecu puts it, "We are incapable of living out our covenant promises in our own human strength. Jesus says, 'Apart from Me you can do nothing' and calls us to engage with the Spirit of God being lived out through us."

Is Commitment Possible?

The often-cited statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce — even among churchgoers — can make commitment seem fruitless. But that statistic is misleading. Dozens of studies distinguish between couples who claim a nominal faith and those who prioritize church attendance. Couples who have a strong commitment to faith and attend church regularly are far more likely to have lifelong relationships.

One recent study in particular shows that those who go to church and pray together have a much lower divorce rate. The University of Virginia's Brad Wilcox found that regular church attendance cuts the likelihood of divorce by 30 percent to 35 percent. Wilcox's work is supported by another study by Annette Mahoney of Bowling Green State University, which independently came to a similar conclusion.

While that rate is still unfortunately high, when you add prayer into the mix, thoughts of divorce plummet. A 1998 survey by the Georgia Family Council found that among couples who prayed together weekly, only 7 percent had seriously considered divorce, compared to 65 percent of those who never prayed together.

The abundant marriage that God has designed for us is not only possible but also likely, and the journey there starts with one word — commitment.
This article first appeared in the January, 2009 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2009 Shaunti Feldhahn. All rights reserved.

fireflies and songs by Sara Groves

I simply love this song:

Thirty years ago I was a little girl
Riding in the back seat of the car.
A woman sang 'You don't bring me flowers anymore.'
I felt the sadness in my little heart.

We're looking for the music
In the music box,
Tearing it to pieces,
Trying to find a song.

I was drawn to you in ways I can't explain.
I fought like crazy but I couldn't stay away.
Piled on expectations and lots of blame,
like we couldn't do it any other way.

We're looking for a firefly
Moving through the night,
Staring at that one place
Swear it never lights.

We're looking for the music
In the music box,
Tearing it to pieces,
Trying to find a song.

Were you surprised our hearts were not like ticking clocks?
The faces and hands easy to read.
We both wished 'if only in the land of Oz.'
And longed for things we'd never really need.

Now we're standing in the kitchen,
All pretense is gone.
You kiss me on the shoulder.
Fireflies and songs.

Strom learning moments

Working the storm the last few days tough me few things.

Let me first say meeting 21 men for The first time whom any one of them doubt or triple your size at first is a bit scary.

Leading those totally strange men right after we just met even put more pressure and challenging. These situations really put me to test. It challenges me to the leader I should be and act in confidence. Being in a totally different and strange environment for ( long island ) adds to the challenges. Dealing with all this tough me to slow down, take a minute to think before making any decisions. But it also let me exercise my leadership to stick with those decision even when those big guys some times object.

Aside from the tough character I had to dress in, meeting those customers who had no lights for almost a week made me wear another dress on. I had to show compassion yet, I had the challenge to balance my compassion with doing the right thing during that tough time when every one looking for my leadership to act on spot.

Another thing I learned is once I realize that I made a mistake I rush to fix it. There was no room for making mistakes with I am responsible for the safety of 21 men. But at any point I needed to change course, I had to quick to fix it.

After all, I thank God for his protection over me, He loves me so much that despite my ignorance He Mercy me.

Couples: The Power of Choice

Sinning against one another isn't the plan for couples. God's plan for us in marriage to be one as He wanted us to be one with Him.
Adam and Eve choose to sin against God and believe it or not we choose to sin against one another in marriage. The result is known, separation between God and man, a separation between couples.

The amazing thing is when Adam and Eve sinned against God, they went hiding, but God is his mercy called on him. He didn't burn him in anger flames nor he killed him. Instead God initiated a conversion with him, the result was ground rules for Adam and Eve to live by and a promise of redemption. Yet, Adam and Eve didn't run away from the consequence of their mistakes.

Again, in marriage, when we sin against one another, many times we choose to not talk to the one who had hurt us. we refuse to start the conversion. We ignore one another. On the other hand we should express mercy, offer ways to solve the problem.

We aren't going to be ONE again until we repent. I said repent, not express sorry. True repentance brings back to the relationship with God. In marriage, we expect pain and hurt TO go away quickly as we say sorry, and that could be true sometimes. However, true oneness does not come with words, repentance is a chance of direction, and change of behavior.

So, today, I remind you to choose not to sin, against your spouse, and if  you did, I would choose to repent, knowing that repentance wouldn't redeem me from consequences.
Today, I remind you that even when you are hurt, that you would choose to talk about your hurt and express mercy.
Today, choose to become true one with your spouse.

Couple: Informed Vs. Transformed

Okay, lets consider all of us informed. We all know that we are getting married to be one with our mate and to live happily ever after. We all know that we should love our spouse without any conditions. Sounds good just like the movies.

Yet, many of us are not transformed. Transformation is actually means, walking to talk.

Here is a few reasons stopping us from being transformed:

- Where there is Pride, there is no oneness. I would not say sorry.

- Simply fear. We are scared of being the nice person in the relationship, so my spouse will walk all over me.

- I am Right, He/She is Wrong, why should I?

- I am not happy... focusing on your expectation of marriage

- You just waiting for him or her to make the first move

Here are few steps toward transformation:

- Work on the relationship as you are the only one in it. Love as much as you would like to be loved.

- Make the first move always

- Remember you be happier when you mike him or her happier

- Always fight with goal to solve the problem, and don't fight to only win

- Truly love one another without any condition

- Thank God for having her, and thank God for having him, learn to appreciate one another

- Learn from your mistakes

- Be patient, transformation takes time and need consistency

So, take the first step today to transform yourself, because no one can transform you unless you want to.

Couples: Loving any way!

But in Luke 6:32-36, Jesus says we shouldn't love because. We should love anyway. If we love someone because that person is good to us, or gives back to us, or is kind to us, we're acting no better than anyone else. In essence, Jesus is saying you don't need the Holy Spirit to love a man who remembers every anniversary – not just the anniversary of your marriage, but the anniversary of your first date and your first kiss. Any woman could love a man like that. Or if you love a wife who lavishes you with sports gifts, who goes out of her way to make you comfortable when you get home from work and who wants sex anytime you do – well, you're doing what any man would do. There's no special credit in that!

But if you love a spouse who disappoints you, who can be a little self-absorbed – now you're loving anyway. In doing that, you're following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked.
... Or Anyway

Will you love only because? Or are you willing to love anyway? Will you love a man or woman who doesn't appreciate your sacrifice? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn't nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?

Just about every faithless marriage is based on because love. Christians are called to anyway love. That's what makes us different. That's what gives glory to God. That's what helps us appreciate God's love for us, because God loves us anyway. He gives and gives and gives – and we take Him for granted. He is eager to meet with us, and we get too busy to notice Him. He is good to us, and we accuse Him mercilessly when something doesn't go just the way we planned it.

But God loves us anyway. To love anyway is to love like God – and to learn about God's love for us.

That's love, the way God intended it.

Couples: Are you allowed you to breath?

Are you out to get him? Or are you waiting for her to make a mistake? Do you have the plan already to count her mistakes or his?

Allow each other to make mistakes, and allow your self to forgive one another. Why would you allow your spouse to make mistakes? The reasons are simple, we don't learn the easy way... God allow us to make mistakes to allow us to trust him and learn. He also use our mistakes to express his love to us. If you don't let your spouse make mistakes, how would you express love to him or her during that time.

It is a blessing to forgive one another.. it is amazing demonstration of love when you forgive one another.

When someone make a mistake, it is like standing naked in front of you and your forgiveness is the cloth you give to him or her to cover up... that is Godly love..

In << 1 Corinthians 13:5 >> says "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

That is something very challenging to me, Not easily angered, and no keeping record of wrong. Sounds very hard to me, I know. But we have a great example to follow.

< Proverbs 29:11 >> "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." When I read this, I really feel ashamed, and makes me want to pray even harder for God's wisdom.

So how many times should I forgive? Matthew 18:21-35Then Peter came to Jesus and asked,

"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

We all need to remember one important thing, when we get married we become one with our spouse. Many of use including myself forget this during our fights and count mistakes. But the thing that need to always to be remember is that our Oneness isn't something easy, and confessing and forgiving come hand in hand to keep that oneness hold.

Allow your spouse to make mistakes, and allow your self to bless him or her with the mercy of forgiveness. It is an amazing journey that starts by accepting (yet not approving) one another and love one another. Make your spouse feel accepted even when they are at they lowest point. Open those arms as they confess their mistakes to you. Love them the Godly love that forgives. Build the truth between the two of you.

1 on 1 with Lori. Argyle & Apricots. Pt. 3

Sadly, that is our third and last part with the our guest post Lori... Gosh,,, It has been learning journey, I know that I took a few notes.. I hope it inspired you as it did for us.

Once said "The great dividing line between success and failure can be expressed in five words: I did not have time." How you deal with time management? And how you see this relating to marriage?
My husband travels Monday through Thursday to Northern California for his job. It has put great urgency on us to make sure that we are spending quality time together when he is in town. I have recently changed my role at work so that I no longer work on Sundays which now gives us one more day together.

How much you pray with your husband? How much you pray for him?
I pray for him every morning in my quiet time, especially when he is traveling. Gracie and I pray for him in her bedtime prayers and Dan leads our prayers at night before we go to bed.

How you see the role of prayers in your life and you husband life?
It is extremely important. We learned once at a marriage conference how important it is to pray over your spouse daily. Since Danny travels during the week, it is a habit that we are unable to keep up but when he is home and we are holding each other and praying, it makes not only our day better but it also brings us closer.

If there is any advice you would like to give to newly married couple, what it would be?
Accept that things will change a bit. Women, know that hair on your husband will grow in places you did not know had hair before you got married. Men, the shower drain will clog more than you ever imagined it could depending on the length of your wives hair.

I always say, that marriage with difficulties is a living marriage? What are your thoughts?
How you deal with conflict? How you can make the best out of it?
I think conflict is healthy in a marriage as long as you agree to disagree. We all have our own opinions and as long as issues are resolved and not hidden to the point they erupt later, it is perfectly normal to have conflict. A good debate gets the blood flowing and always makes for a great “make up” time later.

If you can't get enough from Lori, make sure to keep checking Lori's blog...Argyle & Apricots

Thank you so much Lori for being part of our blog and our learning experiences.

1 on 1 with Lori. Argyle & Apricots. Pt. 2

In this part of our interview with Lori, we are digging deeper with one purpose. The purpose to learn and be inspired.

How you met your husband?
I met Danny while he was in CA on business from GA. I was managing a bar in a restaurant and he came in for dinner. He was in CA for 3 months and I met him 2 days before he was going home for good. He says that I was hitting on him that first night. I say that I was just doing my job. We did date long distance for 3 ½ years before we got married. The crazy thing is that and we only saw each other for a weekend every few months and one 5 day vacation before we got married.

What changes you see in yourself now compared to your life before marriage?
I was a single mom and only saw my daughter half of the week so I was a mom 4 days and a single gal working in a restaurant bar for the other three. I really lived two different lives back then. I am definitely the happiest I have ever been in my marriage and life in general. I am now serving God instead of serving cocktails...a much better vocation.

What was your thoughts of marriage before you get married and did it change?
I was married previously to my oldest daughters dad for 3 short years. It ended with infidelity so my views on marriage were not completely positive. I swore I would never marry again after that experience. I couldn't imagine going through that kind of pain again. It changed when I met my current husband Dan. I learned to trust again and I dedicated my life to God right before we got married so absolutely everything was different from that point on.

In your years of marriage, what did you find about the wife role in the man life? How she can influence?
in another words: How you see the role the a woman can play in her marriage and in her husband life? Why many under estimate the wife role in marriage and husband life?

I was one of those women who struggled with the word "role" especially in my marriage. It wasn't until God and I wrestled and wrestled over it and I finally cried "Uncle" that I was able to understand my purpose and what a great gift being a wife is. We are the encourager's and especially since my husband travels every week I see my self as the lighthouse that my husband need to stay the course. I am the beacon that reassures, comforts and guides him home. That may sound cheesy but I know that I am that to my husband.

What do you think of marriage? and how you describe yours?
I love being married and I cannot image spending my life with anyone other than my husband. We had a rocky road for the first few years because of my fears and my unwillingness to give God control of my life and marriage. Since I have given all of it to God, he has blessed it. We have an extremely strong marriage and a beautiful 4 year old daughter together.

If you enjoyed this part of the interview, I am sure you would love the next one as well. Come back and discover more of that amazing family. Don't forget to check out Lori's blog...Argyle & Apricots

1 on 1 with Lori. Argyle & Apricots

It is that time again where we introduce to you someone really spacial to us. Why I say special, very, you asking.. simply because she inspires us.

Well, it was an honer that she took some time of her busy life to sit with us and talk about her blog and her life... lets just dig into it.

Now that you are here, make sure right after you read this post to go to check her blog. I assure you will be inspired just like we are. Argyle & Apricots

How would you introduce yourself to others? But also how you introduce your self to God? How you introduce your husband?
My name is Lori Zimbardi, I am a wife and a mother of two beautiful girls. I work Sandals Church in Riverside, CA. I love to write. I think I am funny, though my husband does not and it is a debate we have frequently in our home. If I did not work for my church, I would spend my time writing stories of people that have experienced God’s redemption.

Well, God knows me pretty well. He has been in and out of the principals office of life with me many time so not much of an introduction is necessary but I would introduce myself as someone who loves and serves him and desperately needs him.

My husband’s name is Danny and he is the most magnificent husband and father. He works for a 4party logistics company and travels weekly to Northern California on business. He is not funny.

If you can summaries your life in one word, what would it be and why?
Redeemed. I made a lot of mistakes and chose to ignore God for many years. I look back and see the orchestrated intent for my life made by my choices and God’s redemption. It’s amazing.

Why did you start blogging and how you find time for it?
I was against it at first. My husband started blogging and I felt like it was an incredible invasion of privacy. Sadly enough I thought that about the Internet too. Somehow he wore me down and I figured it was a great way for our kid’s grandparents to see what they were up to. I then realized after a year or so that my posts were all focused on how hard motherhood was and how tired I was so I gave it up fearing that I had just shared with the world what a horrible mom I had become. After a few months I missed it. I started again with a new format. I work part time so I have 2 days off week that I try to spend writing.

How you came up with your Motto? “Why Argyle & Apricots”
It reminds me of an innocent time in my life, before the tough years of disobedience. A friend in high school called me Argyle because I had an affinity for the pattern. In college another friend liked the way I said apricots and that became my nickname. Argyle & Apricots represents a simpler time. Who I was before I let this world get a hold of me. And who doesn’t love argyle?

What is the current book you are reading?
A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller. I am reading it for work but it is an amazing book that I highly recommend.

You talk about pure joy as a complete joy? What does it means to have a complete joy?
I mean complete joy in the sense that I don’t have to worry about anything, God has it all under control. The second line of Psalm 23 is “I shall not want”. W Phillip Keller states that “the idea of I shall not want is being utterly contented in the Good Shepherd’s care and consequently not craving or desiring anything more” I am not referring to material things but being under “God’s Care, entrusting ourselves to Christ’s control”. Complete joy is a” utterly contented, a deep quiet settled peace”.

Explain " redeemed yet incomplete" ?
God has redeemed me but, certainly, is not done with me yet. I have an excitement to see what God is going to do with decisions I have made and how he will continue to refine and grow me.

Tell us about you work with Sandals Church?
I have been with Sandals for a little over a year and a half. I spent the first year as a next steps coordinator, placing people into small groups. The past 6 months I have been working with our Care Team. We try our best to help those in need in our church. With the current economy and a lot of bad decisions made when the economy was booming, we have a great number of people that are losing their jobs and homes. We try and help get them back on track. We use the parable of the Good Samaritan as our basis for what we do in Care.

How about your love to Poetry, How you developed such passion?
I always thought only old ladies with cats like poetry so I hid that side of me for a long time. I love rhymes. I love Dr. Seuss. One of my favorite things to do is to rewrite the Psalms so that the verses rhyme. It is a great way for me to keep my mind on studying the bible since I go over and over them trying to find a way to make them rhyme but keep the integrity of the verse and not loose any meaning.

Well,, we only scratched the surface, make sure to come back to read the second part of our interview with Lori...

Couples: Are You Cheating on your Spouse?

Yes, Are you cheating on your spouse?
Are you loving your spouse all you heart, mind and soul.

What is holding you back from loving your spouse, YES, YES, I know you love your partner. But, I am taking about truly love them. Does your work take away from your spouse? Do you make time for him or her to spent together? Do you know of something that he or she likes, and you are lazy to do it.

Let’s step through the five ways that are given to us by the Lord Jesus Himself in Mark 12:30-31 (that He combined together and quoted from Deuteronomy 6:4-5 and Leviticus 19:18).
And you shall love the Lord your God:

•with all your heart,
•with all your soul,
•with all you mind,
•with all your strength, …
and … love your neighbor as yourself.

When bible calls to love the Lord to love him with all our heart. ( Do you have that person in the center of your life)

Soul, Why soul... did you eve hear the words, I love you you with every breath. Breath is life source and can't live without... Can you see yourself living without your breath or your spouse?

Why God used the word mind, I think he wanted us to love him not only when we feel like loving him... see, emotions goes up and down just like waves in the sea. But, minds aren't like that.

When you love your spouse with your mind, then no matter how things between you, good or bad, you will continue to love him or her. Don't let emotions lead your love live. Let the mind to be certain of what you do.

Lastly strength...See love don't stop at heart, mind or soul... to bring all this together, you need to express it. You need to show it. When you love someone with all your strength, your will have the courage to take every step to show it. So, express love with every way, be creative and show it.

God says, do every thing as you we working for Jesus. Do you love your spouse this way? Are you honest in your feelings toward your spouse? Is there any thing holding you back from loving your spouse completely?

Colossians 3:17 & 23 "And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him. And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men." Are you complaining too much? Are you loving caring your spouse with the spirit of loving God himself? Are you putting every effort in loving your spouse?

Lastly, Jesus commanded us to love your neighbor as ourselves. If so, shouldn't we love our spouses like loving ourselves. If you love yourself, you will love your spouse. You will work harder for you and your partner to become more like one.

Philippians 2:14 Do everything without complaining or arguing. What an amazing challenge for us all, to love without complaining.

So, I chellenge you to stop cheating your spouse and give them every thing.. Give them yourselves, don't cheat them of any bit of it.

What is He saying today?

Here is a post I wrote a year ago, I found my self coming back to it in order to remove the dust off what is important in life. I also was inspired by reading this post: Living like He's there by Sarah Markley.

I needed to prepre last Sat. for the Sunday school class I am teaching. I had to watch a Nooma video # 5 called Noise by Rob Bell. It is my first Nooma video.

Here is the video to watch for yourselves.

I had to watch it three times before I actually start teaching it. The fact that it presents is so deep. Just to record one hour of total silence required 2000 hours of record time.

The fact comes to mind, we try to fill our time, our schedule our daily life with so many things. See, today I have to plan my day and before the end the day, I have to plan tomorrow and if I don’t have any thing to do, I would have to find any thing to fill my day with. We view unfilled schedule as boredom time.

If we are on the highway, we turn on the radio and we may even have the radio on while talking on the phone. If we can’t find something better to do, we watch the billboards on the highway and if there isn’t much to see, we may complain of not having any thing to look at to consume our time.

Here is reality, we don’t have the attitude of thinking of our spare time as quality time that is an opportunity that is given to us to allow God to speak.
See, we go to church once or twice a week and during that time we speak a lot (praising and worshiping) then we listen to 30 min sermon for speaker of the day. But the video wants us to wander around trying to listen to what God have to say to us.

Do you ever wonder what He wants to say to you today? Do you want him in your life, leading it and inspiring it? So why don’t you allow him to talk and allow your self to listen?

See, if you yearn to have a close relationship with someone, you have to engage with that person in conversions and allow him to speak as much as you speak as well. When we are in love with someone, we look forward to their calls and can’t wait to get home to see them. We can't wait to have them call us and speak with us just for the sake yearning to listen to their voice on the other end of the call.

I believe that while I was teaching those kids in my Sunday school class about allowing God to speak. I have learned that I need to be silent and not only that, but also have the attitude to enjoy my silent time with him, trying to listen to what He got to say in Silence.

P.S. Silent/Listen have the same letters. In order to Listen, you must be Silent. In order to be Silent, you must not talk and Listen.